Saturday, September 02, 2006
Apparently blogging is the new way to struggle with our Jewish identity...so here we go.
1. I have no idea whether I want to be a rabbi. I think that's probably a strange statement for most people. I would assume that most people never even go through that thought process at any point in their lives, let alone at 24 (ok, 23 and 11/12ths). But for me, it's always been hanging over my head...like everyone else was just waiting for me to figure out that it's what I'm supposed to do. And the thing is, I'm not sure I disagree, but at the same time, I can't seem to separate whether I'd be doing it for them or for me. I know I would be a good rabbi. I know I could get into, and do well at, HUC. It's never been about that. It's a question of what clergy mean in the Jewish community now...I think I'm always going to be one of those people who cares more about Judaism and being Jewish than other people do. I guess my parents did something right in that respect. But I just can't decide if I'm comfortable with being people's "symbol" of religiousity. I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person...to a fault, sometimes...and I just don't know if I want that responsibility. I struggle enough with being a role model as it is. The reality is, the rabbinate makes a lot of sense for me and for the things (I think) I want to do with my life. But I still don't know.
2. On a similar token, I'm having a hard time making decisions about my own Jewish practice. I can't seem to separate what I want to do from what I percieve people's expectations are...there's that "don't be a super-Jew" voice, the "all-or-nothing" instinct, the Feminist instinct, the wanting to impress certain people instinct, the laziness/just stick with what I'm used to, the don't-make-a-fuss...all in my head at the same time. I think I expected it to be easier once I got to New York, but that's not really the case so far. I want to find that line that so many of us are having trouble with these days...the one between being an observant, liberal Jew and being, for all intents and purposes, Modern Orthodox. And, to top it all off (of course), I have no clue what I'm talking about half the time and end up not making decisions or just following other people so I don't feel stupid. Sigh.
I like chazanut. And I like folk-style guitar. I like the idea of people understanding what they're praying, but I've come to despise English readings, even direct translations. I like the creativity, youthfullness, and unique spirit of the NFTY-style service, but I crave the linear, familiar feel of straightforward prayer. Above all, I usually feel the most comfortable in prayer when I'm leading it, but I don't have a grasp on what's always prayerful for me, personally.
And the struggle continues.
1. I have no idea whether I want to be a rabbi. I think that's probably a strange statement for most people. I would assume that most people never even go through that thought process at any point in their lives, let alone at 24 (ok, 23 and 11/12ths). But for me, it's always been hanging over my head...like everyone else was just waiting for me to figure out that it's what I'm supposed to do. And the thing is, I'm not sure I disagree, but at the same time, I can't seem to separate whether I'd be doing it for them or for me. I know I would be a good rabbi. I know I could get into, and do well at, HUC. It's never been about that. It's a question of what clergy mean in the Jewish community now...I think I'm always going to be one of those people who cares more about Judaism and being Jewish than other people do. I guess my parents did something right in that respect. But I just can't decide if I'm comfortable with being people's "symbol" of religiousity. I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person...to a fault, sometimes...and I just don't know if I want that responsibility. I struggle enough with being a role model as it is. The reality is, the rabbinate makes a lot of sense for me and for the things (I think) I want to do with my life. But I still don't know.
2. On a similar token, I'm having a hard time making decisions about my own Jewish practice. I can't seem to separate what I want to do from what I percieve people's expectations are...there's that "don't be a super-Jew" voice, the "all-or-nothing" instinct, the Feminist instinct, the wanting to impress certain people instinct, the laziness/just stick with what I'm used to, the don't-make-a-fuss...all in my head at the same time. I think I expected it to be easier once I got to New York, but that's not really the case so far. I want to find that line that so many of us are having trouble with these days...the one between being an observant, liberal Jew and being, for all intents and purposes, Modern Orthodox. And, to top it all off (of course), I have no clue what I'm talking about half the time and end up not making decisions or just following other people so I don't feel stupid. Sigh.
I like chazanut. And I like folk-style guitar. I like the idea of people understanding what they're praying, but I've come to despise English readings, even direct translations. I like the creativity, youthfullness, and unique spirit of the NFTY-style service, but I crave the linear, familiar feel of straightforward prayer. Above all, I usually feel the most comfortable in prayer when I'm leading it, but I don't have a grasp on what's always prayerful for me, personally.
And the struggle continues.
