Saturday, September 02, 2006
Apparently blogging is the new way to struggle with our Jewish identity...so here we go.
1. I have no idea whether I want to be a rabbi. I think that's probably a strange statement for most people. I would assume that most people never even go through that thought process at any point in their lives, let alone at 24 (ok, 23 and 11/12ths). But for me, it's always been hanging over my head...like everyone else was just waiting for me to figure out that it's what I'm supposed to do. And the thing is, I'm not sure I disagree, but at the same time, I can't seem to separate whether I'd be doing it for them or for me. I know I would be a good rabbi. I know I could get into, and do well at, HUC. It's never been about that. It's a question of what clergy mean in the Jewish community now...I think I'm always going to be one of those people who cares more about Judaism and being Jewish than other people do. I guess my parents did something right in that respect. But I just can't decide if I'm comfortable with being people's "symbol" of religiousity. I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person...to a fault, sometimes...and I just don't know if I want that responsibility. I struggle enough with being a role model as it is. The reality is, the rabbinate makes a lot of sense for me and for the things (I think) I want to do with my life. But I still don't know.
2. On a similar token, I'm having a hard time making decisions about my own Jewish practice. I can't seem to separate what I want to do from what I percieve people's expectations are...there's that "don't be a super-Jew" voice, the "all-or-nothing" instinct, the Feminist instinct, the wanting to impress certain people instinct, the laziness/just stick with what I'm used to, the don't-make-a-fuss...all in my head at the same time. I think I expected it to be easier once I got to New York, but that's not really the case so far. I want to find that line that so many of us are having trouble with these days...the one between being an observant, liberal Jew and being, for all intents and purposes, Modern Orthodox. And, to top it all off (of course), I have no clue what I'm talking about half the time and end up not making decisions or just following other people so I don't feel stupid. Sigh.
I like chazanut. And I like folk-style guitar. I like the idea of people understanding what they're praying, but I've come to despise English readings, even direct translations. I like the creativity, youthfullness, and unique spirit of the NFTY-style service, but I crave the linear, familiar feel of straightforward prayer. Above all, I usually feel the most comfortable in prayer when I'm leading it, but I don't have a grasp on what's always prayerful for me, personally.
And the struggle continues.
1. I have no idea whether I want to be a rabbi. I think that's probably a strange statement for most people. I would assume that most people never even go through that thought process at any point in their lives, let alone at 24 (ok, 23 and 11/12ths). But for me, it's always been hanging over my head...like everyone else was just waiting for me to figure out that it's what I'm supposed to do. And the thing is, I'm not sure I disagree, but at the same time, I can't seem to separate whether I'd be doing it for them or for me. I know I would be a good rabbi. I know I could get into, and do well at, HUC. It's never been about that. It's a question of what clergy mean in the Jewish community now...I think I'm always going to be one of those people who cares more about Judaism and being Jewish than other people do. I guess my parents did something right in that respect. But I just can't decide if I'm comfortable with being people's "symbol" of religiousity. I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person...to a fault, sometimes...and I just don't know if I want that responsibility. I struggle enough with being a role model as it is. The reality is, the rabbinate makes a lot of sense for me and for the things (I think) I want to do with my life. But I still don't know.
2. On a similar token, I'm having a hard time making decisions about my own Jewish practice. I can't seem to separate what I want to do from what I percieve people's expectations are...there's that "don't be a super-Jew" voice, the "all-or-nothing" instinct, the Feminist instinct, the wanting to impress certain people instinct, the laziness/just stick with what I'm used to, the don't-make-a-fuss...all in my head at the same time. I think I expected it to be easier once I got to New York, but that's not really the case so far. I want to find that line that so many of us are having trouble with these days...the one between being an observant, liberal Jew and being, for all intents and purposes, Modern Orthodox. And, to top it all off (of course), I have no clue what I'm talking about half the time and end up not making decisions or just following other people so I don't feel stupid. Sigh.
I like chazanut. And I like folk-style guitar. I like the idea of people understanding what they're praying, but I've come to despise English readings, even direct translations. I like the creativity, youthfullness, and unique spirit of the NFTY-style service, but I crave the linear, familiar feel of straightforward prayer. Above all, I usually feel the most comfortable in prayer when I'm leading it, but I don't have a grasp on what's always prayerful for me, personally.
And the struggle continues.
Friday, April 30, 2004
And thus ends Caryn's Year in Israel.
Yes, it's true. I've returned to the States, land of light switches outside the bathroom, where Sunday is not a weekday, and where (amazingly enough) most people don't speak Hebrew, all things I'm slowly adjusting to.
I haven't quite settled in, as I'm spending the next 6 weeks running across various cities and states like a madwoman until I head off to Kutz Camp for another fabulous summer. So for the moment I'm hanging out with the various branches of my family (note: to add to the madness, my mom moved out of her house while I was gone, so now my stuff is officially in 3 different places. Right, 'cause that's not annoying.), trying to adjust back to this time zone (have you noticed that it's before 7 am when I'm writing this? Yeah...), beginning to look for jobs, and, oh yeah, officially graduating from college. How the hell did that happen?!?
My last weeks in Israel were really wonderful. Zoe returned to Naomi 9 with the great news that she'd been accepted to cantorial school, so she (lucky girl) gets to spend all of next year in Jerusalem as well. She's very excited, and more than a little nervous, but we're all very proud of her. I managed to squeeze in as much Hebrew learning as possible, going to Ulpan up until a week before I left. 600 Detroiters arrived on April 19 and invaded Jerusalem wearing UM/MSU clothes, bright yellow trip hats, and nametags - it was hillarious and heart-warming all at the same time. It felt great to have that many tourists from my hometown, and I think they know how much their presence was appreciated. My dad arrived about halfway through their trip, and my last shabbat in Israel was split between a fabulous Friday night dinner with my roommates and 5 other very fun people and Saturday with my dad and the Detroiters at the David Citadel Hotel.
3 important holidays came just before I left...first, on April 19, was Yom HaShoah, the official day of rememberance for the victims and heroes of the Holocaust. At 10am, there was a one-minute memorial siren during which all activity in the country stopped. Everyone stood silently wherever they were - in classrooms, on the street, in stores - even busses stopped and all of the passengers stood in the aisle. It gave me the chills, and was a very powerful experience.
A week after Yom HaShoah was Yom HaZikaron, the memorial day for fallen soldiers. Two sirens marked this day, one to officially begin the holiday at 8pm on Sunday night and one at 11am. The one during the day was two minutes, and similar to Yom HaShoah, all action throughout the country stops. Jaimee even saw a woman pause mid-step while walking down the street. It's a very important day in Israel, as everyone spends some time in the army and nearly every family has at least one relative who died while serving.
And now I'm home...I kind of like this blogging thing, though, so I think I might keep up with this and the website :)
More updates on the job search soon...l'hitraot
Yes, it's true. I've returned to the States, land of light switches outside the bathroom, where Sunday is not a weekday, and where (amazingly enough) most people don't speak Hebrew, all things I'm slowly adjusting to.
I haven't quite settled in, as I'm spending the next 6 weeks running across various cities and states like a madwoman until I head off to Kutz Camp for another fabulous summer. So for the moment I'm hanging out with the various branches of my family (note: to add to the madness, my mom moved out of her house while I was gone, so now my stuff is officially in 3 different places. Right, 'cause that's not annoying.), trying to adjust back to this time zone (have you noticed that it's before 7 am when I'm writing this? Yeah...), beginning to look for jobs, and, oh yeah, officially graduating from college. How the hell did that happen?!?
My last weeks in Israel were really wonderful. Zoe returned to Naomi 9 with the great news that she'd been accepted to cantorial school, so she (lucky girl) gets to spend all of next year in Jerusalem as well. She's very excited, and more than a little nervous, but we're all very proud of her. I managed to squeeze in as much Hebrew learning as possible, going to Ulpan up until a week before I left. 600 Detroiters arrived on April 19 and invaded Jerusalem wearing UM/MSU clothes, bright yellow trip hats, and nametags - it was hillarious and heart-warming all at the same time. It felt great to have that many tourists from my hometown, and I think they know how much their presence was appreciated. My dad arrived about halfway through their trip, and my last shabbat in Israel was split between a fabulous Friday night dinner with my roommates and 5 other very fun people and Saturday with my dad and the Detroiters at the David Citadel Hotel.
3 important holidays came just before I left...first, on April 19, was Yom HaShoah, the official day of rememberance for the victims and heroes of the Holocaust. At 10am, there was a one-minute memorial siren during which all activity in the country stopped. Everyone stood silently wherever they were - in classrooms, on the street, in stores - even busses stopped and all of the passengers stood in the aisle. It gave me the chills, and was a very powerful experience.
A week after Yom HaShoah was Yom HaZikaron, the memorial day for fallen soldiers. Two sirens marked this day, one to officially begin the holiday at 8pm on Sunday night and one at 11am. The one during the day was two minutes, and similar to Yom HaShoah, all action throughout the country stops. Jaimee even saw a woman pause mid-step while walking down the street. It's a very important day in Israel, as everyone spends some time in the army and nearly every family has at least one relative who died while serving.
And now I'm home...I kind of like this blogging thing, though, so I think I might keep up with this and the website :)
More updates on the job search soon...l'hitraot
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Well, kids (is anyone actually still reading this after all this time??), the adventure is slowly coming to an end. Two weeks from tonight my overstuffed suitcases and I will be coming back to the good ol' US of A. My landing in Detroit will be followed by a whirlwind of activity, including two graduations (first Adam's, then mine), a week in Boston, 5 days in Wisconsin, some time in Memphis...and then I go to camp for two months. At least it'll all distract me from the fact that I have no job :)
But that's still in the future - let me update you on the past couple of weeks:
-Pesach (that's "Passover" for you English-speaking folk) has come and gone around here (I just ate my first non-matzah breakfast in over a week...majorly good times). I spent a few days before the holiday and seder with my family at Nordyia. It was incredibly relaxing (and productive, thank goodness - I spent hours on my laptop) and a great way to welcome spring to Israel.
-Once my family went to spend their holiday up north, I came back here to hang out and enjoy having a big apartment all to myself for a few days. Food shopping during pesach was an experience: according to Jewish law, even seeing leavened food products during the holiday is forbidden, so the food stores that stay open cover most of their shelves with paper, and only leave the ones with kosher-for-passover products in view. It's pretty funny to walk through aisles that only have a few shelves of available food.
-Speaking of spring, it's GORGEOUS here now. Beautifully sunny every day, temps in the 70s and 80s...if it snows when I go back to Michigan, I'll cry.
-Jaimee and Helayne came back from the Ukraine with great stories. What's your opinion on the cossacks? Don't ask their translator...
That's my story and I'm sticking to it. See you all stateside pretty soon :)
But that's still in the future - let me update you on the past couple of weeks:
-Pesach (that's "Passover" for you English-speaking folk) has come and gone around here (I just ate my first non-matzah breakfast in over a week...majorly good times). I spent a few days before the holiday and seder with my family at Nordyia. It was incredibly relaxing (and productive, thank goodness - I spent hours on my laptop) and a great way to welcome spring to Israel.
-Once my family went to spend their holiday up north, I came back here to hang out and enjoy having a big apartment all to myself for a few days. Food shopping during pesach was an experience: according to Jewish law, even seeing leavened food products during the holiday is forbidden, so the food stores that stay open cover most of their shelves with paper, and only leave the ones with kosher-for-passover products in view. It's pretty funny to walk through aisles that only have a few shelves of available food.
-Speaking of spring, it's GORGEOUS here now. Beautifully sunny every day, temps in the 70s and 80s...if it snows when I go back to Michigan, I'll cry.
-Jaimee and Helayne came back from the Ukraine with great stories. What's your opinion on the cossacks? Don't ask their translator...
That's my story and I'm sticking to it. See you all stateside pretty soon :)
Sunday, March 28, 2004
Bruchim ha-baim (welcome) to the madness that has been my life for the past week. To fill in those of you who haven't been witness to my many breakdowns since my last post...
-The madness that was the EIE Spring 2004 Parents Mission ended successfully with many tears (mostly from the parents, but I definitely saw some of the kids crying, too) and with me waving goodbye as the bus drove off towards the airport. Definitely a fun experience, and I really enjoyed getting to know the group (and letting them endlessly tease me for my constant headcounts and timing announcements), but I was EXHAUSTED by the time they finally left.
-My recovery began by hanging out in the Old City for a few hours with Karina and Sharon (two friends from the Haifa program) - kef me'od - and with a really nice shabbat at the Shaaltiel's (Kutz friends).
-Now comes the much sadder news in my life: last Sunday, my Bubbie died. Those of you familiar with my confusing family tree, that's Joe (my stepfather's) mom. It was a big shock, though she was old, and it's been very hard being so far away from my family. But I'm doing my best to find my own ways to honor her memory and I know she'll continue to be part of my life.
In any case, I've kind of been a wreck for about the last week and a half, mostly from putting these extra stresses (and others - for instance, the assasination of a major Hamas leader that's put us all on edge) on top of the many other crazy emotional ups and downs I've been going through. I'm taking lots of deep breaths, however, and trying to calm down enough to really enjoy every moment of my last month here.
I promise we're all being very careful and paying close attention to every warning we get. The mood here is tense, though slightly less so than the beginning of last week, and everyone is definitely enjoying the gorgeous spring weather and the approach of Pesach, as it means Spring Break for practically the entire country. My plans are pretty boring...I'll be spending a few days with my family in Nordyia, then just hanging out in Jerusalem. Zoe heads out for three weeks tomorrow, and Helayne and Jaimee leave next week for the Fomer Soviet Union where they'll be spending a week leading Passover seders in Jewish communities around Kiev and Odessa.
Happy almost April to all...more updates soon :)
-The madness that was the EIE Spring 2004 Parents Mission ended successfully with many tears (mostly from the parents, but I definitely saw some of the kids crying, too) and with me waving goodbye as the bus drove off towards the airport. Definitely a fun experience, and I really enjoyed getting to know the group (and letting them endlessly tease me for my constant headcounts and timing announcements), but I was EXHAUSTED by the time they finally left.
-My recovery began by hanging out in the Old City for a few hours with Karina and Sharon (two friends from the Haifa program) - kef me'od - and with a really nice shabbat at the Shaaltiel's (Kutz friends).
-Now comes the much sadder news in my life: last Sunday, my Bubbie died. Those of you familiar with my confusing family tree, that's Joe (my stepfather's) mom. It was a big shock, though she was old, and it's been very hard being so far away from my family. But I'm doing my best to find my own ways to honor her memory and I know she'll continue to be part of my life.
In any case, I've kind of been a wreck for about the last week and a half, mostly from putting these extra stresses (and others - for instance, the assasination of a major Hamas leader that's put us all on edge) on top of the many other crazy emotional ups and downs I've been going through. I'm taking lots of deep breaths, however, and trying to calm down enough to really enjoy every moment of my last month here.
I promise we're all being very careful and paying close attention to every warning we get. The mood here is tense, though slightly less so than the beginning of last week, and everyone is definitely enjoying the gorgeous spring weather and the approach of Pesach, as it means Spring Break for practically the entire country. My plans are pretty boring...I'll be spending a few days with my family in Nordyia, then just hanging out in Jerusalem. Zoe heads out for three weeks tomorrow, and Helayne and Jaimee leave next week for the Fomer Soviet Union where they'll be spending a week leading Passover seders in Jewish communities around Kiev and Odessa.
Happy almost April to all...more updates soon :)
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Shalom, y'all!!
I'm taking a few hours of much-needed break from the madness that is the EIE Spring 2004 Parents Mission. In the last few days we've been at Massada, the Dead Sea, the Kinneret, Tzfat, a Crusader fortress and lots of bathrooms. This morning the parents are visiting their kids' Hebrew and Jewish History classes (which thrills the students to no end, I'm sure) and this afternoon we're heading off on a walking tour of the Old City (complete with lots of shopping...it got a bit ugly the other day when we rushed them through the Massada gift shop. Yikes.)
In general, things here are great. Spring is slowly starting to arrive, though the temperatures have been lower than normal in the last couple of weeks (boo). I've seen some really interesting weather/natural phenomena, especially over the last month or so, including the snowstorm and earthquake here in Jerusalem and, on Sunday, a thunderstorm in the desert (and the resulting short-lived waterfalls).
Sorry this entry is so short, but it's time to head back and make sure my group is happy...a full-time job if I ever saw one :) More after the madness ends on Thursday night!
I'm taking a few hours of much-needed break from the madness that is the EIE Spring 2004 Parents Mission. In the last few days we've been at Massada, the Dead Sea, the Kinneret, Tzfat, a Crusader fortress and lots of bathrooms. This morning the parents are visiting their kids' Hebrew and Jewish History classes (which thrills the students to no end, I'm sure) and this afternoon we're heading off on a walking tour of the Old City (complete with lots of shopping...it got a bit ugly the other day when we rushed them through the Massada gift shop. Yikes.)
In general, things here are great. Spring is slowly starting to arrive, though the temperatures have been lower than normal in the last couple of weeks (boo). I've seen some really interesting weather/natural phenomena, especially over the last month or so, including the snowstorm and earthquake here in Jerusalem and, on Sunday, a thunderstorm in the desert (and the resulting short-lived waterfalls).
Sorry this entry is so short, but it's time to head back and make sure my group is happy...a full-time job if I ever saw one :) More after the madness ends on Thursday night!
Saturday, March 06, 2004
Happy March!! In honor of the Purim holiday that is upon us (note: for those of you who don't know, Purim celebrates the Jewish people's escape from destruction in ancient Persia...it's a really happy holiday where we are basically commanded to eat, drink and be merry, as they say), I'm proud to present more fun tidbits from my life in Israel!! I promise they're all true (shocking, I know :) )
-I'm in love...with a 6-month-old. I've finally found a semi-regular babysitting gig with a family that lives around the corner. The mother, Shana, is actually from Detroit, which only further proves the smallness of the Jewish world. Their son, the object of my affection, is named Gavriel; he is an adorable, well-behaved baby and we had a great time playing and walking up and down Derech Beit Lechem last week. I've been informed that he will be appearing in costume as an orange this Purim - too cute.
-Beginning in a few days, I'll be playing madricha (counselor) to the nearly 70 EIE family members who are coming to spend a week with their Israel-dwelling teenagers. It's sure to be an experience...
-As I said, Purim is just around the corner here (outside of Jerusalem, it's celebrated tonight and tomorrw; since Jerusalem is a walled city, we celebrate Sunday night to Monday. Fun fact.) and everyone is very into it. Kids have been wearing costumes in the streets for the last few days, there've been oznei haman (hamentashen, special Purim cookies shaped like Haman's - the villian of the Purim story - hat) on shelves for weeks, and there's a generally festive mood everywhere (which is always nice). My personal favorite of the holiday-themed foods in the supermarket: hamentashen-flavored Yoplait yogurt. Only in Israel :)
-On Monday Zoe and I spent some time with Chana Rothman, who'll be songleading at Kutz this summer. She's never been, so we wanted to give her a little "background" on the camp we just can't get enough of...don't worry, we left most of the really fun stories for her to find out once she's there.
I suppose that's about it for now. Our apartment is gearing up for Purim as well, and we're looking forward to celebrating with a bunch of friends at our Purim seu'dah/"let's invite fun people to hang out at our place" on Monday. Shavua Tov and Chag Purim Sameach to all!
-I'm in love...with a 6-month-old. I've finally found a semi-regular babysitting gig with a family that lives around the corner. The mother, Shana, is actually from Detroit, which only further proves the smallness of the Jewish world. Their son, the object of my affection, is named Gavriel; he is an adorable, well-behaved baby and we had a great time playing and walking up and down Derech Beit Lechem last week. I've been informed that he will be appearing in costume as an orange this Purim - too cute.
-Beginning in a few days, I'll be playing madricha (counselor) to the nearly 70 EIE family members who are coming to spend a week with their Israel-dwelling teenagers. It's sure to be an experience...
-As I said, Purim is just around the corner here (outside of Jerusalem, it's celebrated tonight and tomorrw; since Jerusalem is a walled city, we celebrate Sunday night to Monday. Fun fact.) and everyone is very into it. Kids have been wearing costumes in the streets for the last few days, there've been oznei haman (hamentashen, special Purim cookies shaped like Haman's - the villian of the Purim story - hat) on shelves for weeks, and there's a generally festive mood everywhere (which is always nice). My personal favorite of the holiday-themed foods in the supermarket: hamentashen-flavored Yoplait yogurt. Only in Israel :)
-On Monday Zoe and I spent some time with Chana Rothman, who'll be songleading at Kutz this summer. She's never been, so we wanted to give her a little "background" on the camp we just can't get enough of...don't worry, we left most of the really fun stories for her to find out once she's there.
I suppose that's about it for now. Our apartment is gearing up for Purim as well, and we're looking forward to celebrating with a bunch of friends at our Purim seu'dah/"let's invite fun people to hang out at our place" on Monday. Shavua Tov and Chag Purim Sameach to all!
Friday, February 27, 2004
Yeah, OK. It's been over a month since I wrote anything here, so I apologize to those of you who have nothing better to do when you're bored than read my ridiculous updates...
In any case. I won't bore you with a recap of the last 6 weeks of my life. Suffice it to say that I was here, I was home, I was in Boston, I've been back here for two weeks...now you're pretty much up to date.
So here I am in Jerusalem on a lovely Friday morning. My flatmates are all skipping town for Shabbat...Zoe is off to the Negev with the Conservative Yeshiva crew, Jaimee and Helayne are escaping to the beach in Tel Aviv (yes, it's supposed to be warm enough to go to the beach this weekend - I knew the middle east had benefits). I'll be here, enjoying some "me" time and hopefully finishing up some of the schoolwork that's still hanging over my head (don't ask, it's not a pretty story...)
I'm keeping busy during the week, spending three mornings a week at Ulpan (my Hebrew has improved dramatically...but I'm still struggling with conversations that last more than a few sentences...) and some afternoons as an intern in the NFTY office. In a week and a half, 50 parents are coming to check that EIE is treating their kids well and I'll be "chaperoning" them around the country...mostly smiling and trying to keep them happy. Hey, at least they're paying me.
I guess that's about it for now. I promise updates on a more regular basis from now on!
In any case. I won't bore you with a recap of the last 6 weeks of my life. Suffice it to say that I was here, I was home, I was in Boston, I've been back here for two weeks...now you're pretty much up to date.
So here I am in Jerusalem on a lovely Friday morning. My flatmates are all skipping town for Shabbat...Zoe is off to the Negev with the Conservative Yeshiva crew, Jaimee and Helayne are escaping to the beach in Tel Aviv (yes, it's supposed to be warm enough to go to the beach this weekend - I knew the middle east had benefits). I'll be here, enjoying some "me" time and hopefully finishing up some of the schoolwork that's still hanging over my head (don't ask, it's not a pretty story...)
I'm keeping busy during the week, spending three mornings a week at Ulpan (my Hebrew has improved dramatically...but I'm still struggling with conversations that last more than a few sentences...) and some afternoons as an intern in the NFTY office. In a week and a half, 50 parents are coming to check that EIE is treating their kids well and I'll be "chaperoning" them around the country...mostly smiling and trying to keep them happy. Hey, at least they're paying me.
I guess that's about it for now. I promise updates on a more regular basis from now on!
